I'm Afraid Of Southerners.

I don't know when this developed, but it wasn't until recently that I've decided to tack it up on my corkboard of heebee-jeebies (along with flying. Man, I hate flying). What really made me take a hard look at my dixiephobia was coming across one of Stephen Kings new books, Desperation. I didn't get very far into it because the opening chapters describes a couple waist deep in one of my greatest sheet soaking nightmares (and I ain't talking sweat here), the car breaking down in the South.

Perhaps you know the scene, on a whim you suddenly decide to jump in your car and drive across the country. So you hop in your brand new foreign model car but just before you put it in drive you pause to think "perhaps I should tell someone I'm leaving? I mean, what if something happens?" Shit no, man! This is your chance to feel alive! Just go! And you don't regret your decision until 6 hours later when your eyes meet the black expanse of two barrels of finality pointed at your forehead by a shit eating grin in a John Deer cap.

Doesn't that put the fear in you? Don't tell me I'm alone here Bucko, cause I know I'm not. Mr. King ain't the only fella spoutin' tales of woe about those south of the Mason-Dixon line. I mean, Deliverance? Texas chainsaw Massacre? And what about that Scooby-Doo episode with the ghostly confederate? Hmmm?

So, don't tell me it's some irrational fear! Ok, I take that back. I know it's irrational and your welcome to tell me it's irrational. Not all southerners are bad. Some are just good ole boys, y'know? never meanin' no harm. Beats all you never saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born.

Straightenin' the curves... flattenin' the hills...
Someday the mountain might get 'em but the law never will.

Sing it with me now!

Makin' their way, the only way they know how...
That's just a little bit more than the law will allow...

Just two good ol' boys, wouldn't change if they could,
Fightin' the system like two modern-day Robin Hoods...

Yeeeee-haw!